I've already posted a spoiler-free review of the episode
, but now that it's aired I wanted to include some more specific thoughts before moving onto the full recap below, which includes quotes.
delivers a classic in this week’s comedic episode. Whether you're a diehard fan of The X-Files
or not, episode three, "Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-monster," should delight you. It's one of the trademark quirky, funny episodes. Even better, if you are a fan, you'll love it for all the references/injokes to previous moments on the show.
Darin Morgan did an excellent job with the script. Scully says it perfectly in the episode, “Oh yeah, this is how I like my Mulder.” The episode truly feels like it could fit somewhere into the old series (minus the technology jokes, which were so funny), as the show hits its stride again, making the episode an instant classic.
The episode focuses on a man-sized lizard, who after being bit by a man, turns into a human. The were-lizard is brilliantly played by guest star Rhys Darby.
Kumail Nanjiani, who guest stars as Pasha, is also very funny in the episode, especially when he is acting alongside David Duchovny.
I love the unique idea of a monster turning human rather than the other way around, and playing with the ideas of what makes us human. I also love seeing different views of the same events, such as what the hotel manager sees versus what Guy Man (Darby) tells Mulder. Add in the humor and you've got a new fan favorite. I also loved how Mulder called him out for the fact he transformed without a full moon which didn’t make any sense, harking back to some of the inaccuracies from the original series that get joked about.
There were so many great moments and references that there're too many to count, but I will discuss my favorites.
Even the teaser evoked memories as the two stoners (Tyler Labine and Nicole Parker) had previously appeared in two episodes of the show as the same characters.
The first scene with our dynamic duo was great as well. Overall the scene was just funny, Mulder basically making fun of himself for believing crazy things over the years, pitting him in the episode as the skeptic. Of course it was great to see that the iconic poster is back as well, even if he is throwing pencils into it, as that is referring to all the pencils Mulder threw in the ceiling when he was bored.
Continuing on with the "Mulder as the skeptic," there are a lot of great quotes in that vein, such as Mulder talking about mountain lions or wolves being the killers, and his nudist statement.
Of course the whole scene of them chasing the monster around the motel parking lot is hilarious as well, such as the bits with Mulder constantly flashing photos with his phone (and the comment on everyone has phones for photos now, as that was a big change with new technology since the series last aired), and the scene of him subsequently running into Pasha where they scream like little girls, is priceless.
The whole scene with Scully doing the autopsy, with Mulder shoving his phone in her face as they talk about the possibilities, from a mangy Sasquatch to the horned lizard, is full of great dialog, and Scully talking about how much fun the cases are, is pretty much how fans feel with the series being back.
Next the whole scene with Mulder at the hotel is full of even more excellent moments and references, from Mulder's red underwear (representing the famous red speedos) to the point where viewers who pay attention will notice that the mounted head Mulder looks through into Scully's room from is a fox.
It leads to one of my favorite scenes where Mulder gives Scully a long explanation, not giving her a chance to speak, reminiscent of previous episodes. It culminates in what is arguably the best set of lines of the episode: SCULLY:
Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder. MULDER:
So you're agreeing with me? SCULLY:
No! You're bat crap crazy!
However, you can't forget Scully's "Mulder it's me" comment a bit later in the episode, as it's been joked about in the past how often she says that on the phone to him.
The comedy continues into the scene with Mulder and the psychiatrist, and eventually to Mulder's discussion with Guy Man, which also includes more references, such as the gravestone of Kim Manners, with the quote "Let's kick it in the ass," which is a heartfelt tribute to the late director, who was known for saying that. Another gravestone says Jack Hardy, who was a first AD on Millennium
and The X-Files: I Want to Believe
The laughs continue throughout Man's story, as Mulder keeps interrupting him, waiting for him to say he did something that gives reason for a arrest. The scene though that will have people cracking up the most, however, is Man's false description of Scully coming into the cell phone store and propositioning him. Gillian Anderson really showed her comedic ability in that scene.
Man’s comments about his new ability to BS, as well as killing a cow, and the way they talked about his puppy Daggoo were also great, and one can't forget the funny conversation about a sex change operation. There was also of course the porn reference, which was likely to be an injoke to Mulder's proclivities.
When Mulder wakes up hung over in the graveyard, the references continue as the fourth wall is broken a bit as Mulder's cell phone ringtone is actually The X-Files
theme song. Although more a reference than a joke, Scully does reference Queequeg as she sees Daggoo.
I absolutely love the fact that Scully takes down the killer before Mulder can get there - she definitely does not need backup.
Fans also get a cute quote when Scully tells Mulder she is immortal, which was always a question left with fans when the possibility was played with after Scully looked away from death in the episode "Tithonus."
I also loved that Scully doesn't let Pasha give the speech he had prepared, as she repeats to Mulder what he said about all serial killers being the same.
Lastly was Guy Man's departure. His remark about ties waiting to strangle you was most likely another reference, in this case to autoerotic asphyxiation, which was previously a joke about Mulder's future death.
Mulder's quote about wanting to believe of course references the iconic poster, and lastly, Mulder's reaction when Man transforms is great.
With so many fantastic moments, this episode is sure to become a fan-favorite of the series. TEASER SHAWAN, OREGON
A man (Tyler Labine) and a woman (Nicole Parker) are huffing gold paint and looking up at the moon. Their faces are covered with paint. The woman looks at the moon and asks the other stoner if when he sees the moon like that, if he ever thinks that life is so amazing and that maybe they shouldn't just waste it by getting high all the time. He tells her he doesn't; he thinks about how he wishes he were a werewolf. STONER #2:
What would you do if you were a werewolf? STONER #1:
Get high all the time.
They suddenly hear someone yelling as two people are struggling/fighting. One pushes the other down and turns and looks at them, his arms raised in the air to scare them. They realize he is not human, but covered in scales like a lizard. He appears to be charging right at them, but runs off between them into the woods.
The stoners go check the one man, Pasha (Kumail Nanjiani), who was knocked over and is lying face down. The stoner asks him if he is all right, and says he is, and then the stoner chick repeats the question - indicating the other "dude" on the ground. His throat is ripped out. ACT ONE
Mulder is in the office, feet on the desk, throwing pencils like darts at the "I Want to Believe" poster on the wall. Scully comes in and asks, "What are you doing to my poster?"
Mulder is discouraged. He says that since they've been away, much of the unexplained they investigated has been explained. He shows her photos of some examples, such as the Death Valley race track, which in reality was ice formations moving rocks around as it melted. He says that humility stops him from recounting how he once used to think it had something to do with a rocklike creature in Colorado, which turned out to be a publicity stunt by a local landscaping business. He says that it's amazing going through the old archives with fresh, if not wiser eyes. There are many cases, whether it's the Amarillo Armadillo Man, or the Hairy Whatzit of Walla Walla, that can be explained away as fraternity pranks, practical jokes, or people making stuff up, just because they are bored and/or crazy, and if that doesn't explain it, well then it was probably just ice. SCULLY:
Mulder have you been taking your meds?
Mulder says Charles Fort spent his entire life researching natural and scientific anomalies, which he published in four books, all of which he knows by heart. At end of Ford's life, he wondered if it all hadn't been a waste. Mulder says that he gets it; he's a middle-aged man. MULDER:
I'm thinking maybe it's time to put away childish things, the sasquatches and moth men and jackalopes. I thought it would be great to get back to work, but is this really how want to spend rest of my days? Chasing after monsters? SCULLY:
We've been given another case Mulder. It has a monster in it.
Mulder throws another pencil into the poster.
After talking to the witnesses at the crime scene, Scully tells Mulder that the one claimed the creature had three eyes; the other said it had only one. Mulder notices they didn't get a picture of it, which is odd because everybody always has a camera on them these days. Scully asks if he want to talk to these witnesses. Mulder, seeing their photos, rolls his eyes and walks away.
Scully tells him that they are standing where the stoners say they saw it attack the animal control officer - even though he claims not to have seen it. Mulder, for once playing the skeptic, says that of course he didn't see it. Mountain lions always attack from behind, and he was out there about a call about a mountain lion, and that's what killed the other victim too.
Scully tells him that that is what local authorities thought, but when they did a search the next morning, they found an area where there were three more victims.
Mulder says that grey wolves have made a comeback in this region. They take their pray back to their lair. Scully says, however, that they were all mutilated in same manner, but the third victim wasn't wearing any clothes. MULDER:
Maybe he was a nudist. Took a midnight hike in the nude, got attacked by a wolf or a lion or a bear. Maybe all at the same time. That's how I'd like to go out.
Scully tells him that the uniqueness of wounds implies a human element. MULDER:
Aw, Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen them all.
Scully says that she can see he's going through a questioning phase of some sort, but people were killed, and if they can help stop it and save lives, it's a worthwhile thing to do, regardless if it was animal, human, or otherwise responsible. MULDER:
Ok, when you put it that way, but mark my word Scully, when we catch whatever is doing these killings, it's only going to have two eyes.
Meanwhile the scaled lizard guy is shown, and he has two red eyes.
A prostitute is yelling at men that drive away, calling them cheap bastards because they didn’t want her solicitation, when the lizard man comes running towards her. She hits him in the head with her purse and screams.
Later, Mulder, talking to the prostitute, says that she got in a pretty good shot, and holds up her purse that has a huge hold in it. The prostitute says that she thinks she hit it right in the horn. SCULLY:
It had a horn, like a unicorn?
The prostitute tells her that it had horns at the back of head like a lizard or something.
Mulder holds up the sketch of the three-eyed monster. The prostitute tells him that it had only two eyes and was wearing underwear. SCULLY:
Boxers or briefs. PROSTITUTE:
Tighty-whities. Same kind I used to wear. I transitioned last year.
They ask if she saw which way it headed. PROSTITUTE:
I told the officers it slithered off that way, but they think I'm on crack. MULDER:
Mulder and Scully see the animal control officer and go over to talk to him. They walk up behind him and he gets scared and yells at them for sneaking up on him.
Realizing he was one of the victims, Scully asks him if he has any idea who attacked him. He tells them that he got a call earlier about a stray puppy and was hoping it was that. PASHA:
I can handle cats and dogs, but anything bigger than that and really start to question my - MULDER:
Career decisions? PASHA:
No, my life.
There is a loud growl and the animal control officer runs off.
Mulder takes out his cell phone and starts flashing photos constantly. SCULLY:
What are you doing? Mulder! MULDER:
This thing looks like what people say it looks like, I'm going to get a good picture of it. SCULLY:
If this thing looks like those drawings, I'm emptying my clip into it, even if it is is in its underwear.
Mulder keeps snapping photos, saying that it's a new camera app, and he's not sure if it's working right.
They see a bloody body on the phone and they look down find a dead man. Scully says that it's a fresh kill.
Mulder sees something run and chases after it with his cell phone, which is still snapping photos. He follows it between two trucks and keeps taking photos of it, looking ridiculous.
Pasha runs up behind him, runs into him, and they both scream at each other, Mulder flashing the camera in his face.
Pasha asks him what’s up with the phone? Apparently forgetting about the monster, Mulder goes off into an explanation of not knowing if the new app is working right. Pasha asks if he is taking picture or video, but Mulder doesn't know. He starts to explain to Mulder how to use the camera, while the creature comes up behind them, and they scream.
Scully comes running and finds Mulder and Pasha alone on the ground. Mulder has blood on him, but doesn't think it's his. Pasha stands up; the bottom of his net is gone. PASHA:
Ok, that's it. I quit.
Scully asks Mulder if he got a good look at it. Mulder shakes his phone happily - he got a picture.
They hear another growl run and towards it, following it until they end up at a Porta Potti. Mulder opens the door and flashes his cell phone camera at a man on the toilet. The man, surprised says he needs a bit of privacy.
They shut the door and move on, the camera panning to show that the logo on the door is of a wolf howling at the moon.
Once they are gone, the man comes out and takes off his hat and there are horns on the back of his head which shrink back, and puts back on the hat.
Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully are still off looking for the monster. ACT TWO
Scully is doing an autopsy on the neck of the victim who was bit. Mulder keeps sticking his phone in her face, saying that the photo is an ear, or maybe a foot. One, if you squint, looks like something, and then one that is in focus is a close-up of the creature. MULDER:
It's a close-up of the creature! Mind you I didn't say monster. And it wasn't a Sasquatch, but it was definitely an animal. Man-sized and hairless. SCULLY:
Maybe it was a mangy Sasquatch.
Mulder tells her she's overlooking the video and shows it to her. In it he's screaming like a little girl. She tells him he had the camera facing the wrong way. Mulder, once again, defends that it's a new camera app. He says that the thing shot blood at him from out of his eyeball, he thinks. It was hard for him to see with blood in his eyes.
Scully says that she hasn't done the blood analysis yet, but it was probably residue from the previous victim. SCULLY:
And animals don't shoot blood out of their eyeballs. MULDER:
Oh, no? Well tell that to the horned lizard! MULDER
a photo on his phone of a real-life lizard MULDER:
Which shoots blood out its eyeballs Scully! Yes; it's a defense mechanism. Scientific fact. SCULLY:
Mulder, the Internet is not good for you.
Mulder questions that the lizard doesn't bare a resemblance to what the witnesses claim they saw. SCULLY:
So now you're saying that you were attacked by a six-foot horny toad? MULDER:
Woah! Let's just keep this within the realm of the natural sciences shall we?
Scully tells him that her initial exam of the man's bite marks on the wound show that they were made by a human. MULDER:
So we're looking for a man sized horned lizard with human teeth.
Off her look MULDER:
Sounds a bit silly doesn't it? SCULLY:
You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you Scully? SCULLY:
Yeah, I am. I forgot how much fun these cases could be.
Scully tells him that it's been a long day and to go back to the hotel room and get some sleep and try not to dream about monsters.
In the hotel room, Mulder is laying under two mounted animal heads, looking like he's dreaming, when he wakes up to someone screaming.
Mulder gets up and rushes to the front desk where the manager dabs his face with rubbing alcohol, and then takes a swig from the bottle.
The manager apologizes, saying he had an argument with a guest and to go back to his room. Mulder says that he heard someone yell monster. The manager tells him that that's what he called him, because he refused to pay an overdue bill. Then, at the end of the explanation, the manager says, "Please go away, or I'll kill you."
Mulder walks away, but sees one of the guest rooms is open and that it is ransacked. He enters. Everything is everywhere, and the mirror smashed. Mulder finds a bottle of Clozapine on the dresser, which he pockets.
There is a mounted jackalope head on floor that Mulder sees has eye holes cut out. He looks on wall, and this a big hole where it was. Mulder goes to put the head back on the wall, but instead looks through the hole and then pulls open a door hidden in the paneling that takes him in between the walls.
Mulder comes to another guest's room and moves the fake eyes to look through into the room. He realizes he is seeing Scully sleeping in her room. The camera shows that it is actually a fox head he is looking through.
Mulder goes through another hidden door to come out behind the manager in the office. Mulder tells him he was looking for ice machine, when the manager says that that area was private.
Mulder shows his badge, and the man defends himself, saying that it was a security feature he had put in after 911.
Mulder tells him that he's not going to report him - when one checks into an establishment such as this, one expects the manager to be a peeping tom. Mulder, however, harbors suspicions that the manager saw something in the trashed room that disturbed him. The manager tells him that he won't believe it, and Mulder tells him to try him.
The scene shows the manager looking through wolf eyes at Mulder in his red underwear. The manager creepily says, "Mm baby," but leaves when he hears someone yelling.
The manager looks through a jackalope head to see the man from the Porta Potti, who is saying he is going insane having to look at himself every day, and then he smashes a chair into the mirror. He then yells at and throws the alarm clock, saying it will not waking him up again.
He keeps talking to himself, saying that it's happening again, and to please let this be the last time. He looks in the mirror as he changes to a man-sized lizard.
The lizard man hears the manager yell from the wall and yells back at him, pulling down the head and roaring at the manager.
Mulder shows him the sketch, and the manager confirms that it is the monster he saw, but it had two eyes.
Mulder then shows him the photo he took of the man on the Porta Potti, and the manager confirms that it was him. He has been trying to tell Mulder that they are one and the same.
Mulder returns to talk to Scully in her motel room. MULDER:
It's a monster, Scully. Plain and simple. And not just your every day run of the mill monster, but we're talking transformation here. Man into monster and back again (He doesn't let her talk), to which I know you are going to say, "But Mulder, that only happens in werewolf myths that were originally concocted to explain away the violent behavior of people who'd been bitten by rabid animals before the medical discovery of rabies." But is it so outlandish to believe that some legends are based on actual occurrences and not just ignorance? SCULLY
tries to talk again, but Mulder continues on MULDER:
To which I know what you're going to say Scully, you're going to say, "But Mulder, it defies every known law of science and nature." Exactly Scully, every known law! What if this creature that we've stumbled upon is here to create a whole new paradigm for our understanding of life itself? SCULLY
Or maybe science was used to create this unnatural being. Maybe this is some GMO experiment run amok by some military-agro-big-pharma corporation. Maybe this guy is its chief geneticist who recklessly experimented on himself and now transforms into a fiend who needs to feast on human flesh. SCULLY
To which I know you're going to say, "But Mulder that sounds like the paranoid ravings of some lunatic mad man." I don't know what this thing is Scully, and I don't know exactly how it came to be. I just, all I'm saying is, it's a monster!
There is a pause as MULDER
finally gives her a chance to respond SCULLY:
Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder. MULDER:
So you're agreeing with me? SCULLY:
No! You're bat crap crazy!
Mulder asks her what about the facts? The guy that the manager saw turn into a monster was wearing the clothes of one of the victims, which they didn't notice before, because they thought they were looking for an animal. They were only half right.
Scully says that they need to talk to him, but Mulder doubts he's coming back to his room. He tells her that he took his medicine to track him down, but the first thing they need to do though, is to get out of the motel. ACT THREE
Mulder goes to see the psychiatrist who prescribed the medicine. He tells Mulder the story of a village that was tormented by a man-eating lizard-dragon. The local constable did everything to try to kill it, until he finally visited a gypsy who told him that the only way he could only kill it, was by stabbing in its appendix with a lance made of green glass.
Mulder asks him why the green glass and why the appendix, and the psychiatrist says that he doesn't know. In tales like that the monster must always been destroyed by some form of penetration like a bullet or stake. He then quips that our ancestors were as obsessed with impotency as we are.
Continuing the story, he tells Mulder that the constable made the lance and stabbed the monster, but as the monster was dying, the constable realized he'd been looking in the mirror all along.
He tells Mulder that the moral of the story is that it's easier to believe in monsters out there in the world than to accept that real monsters dwell within us.
Mulder tells him that not everything can be reduced to psychology, but he just responds that that's what he thinks.
He was reminded of the tale because of the suspect's delusion that when the moon appeared, he would turn into were-lizard - the werewolf was a different patient. He prescribed him an anti-psychotic, but doubted it would do much. MULDER:
Why not? DOCTOR:
He seemed pretty crazy.
Mulder tells him that the records of the man don't provide much information, assuming that Guy Man was not his real name. He wants to know how to find him.
The doctor says that he recommended that when he felt an episode coming on to go on a quiet stroll through the local cemetery as a reminder that no matter how overwhelming our anxieties might be, they will soon be resolved when we are dead and buried for all eternity.
MULDER: Do you really think that's sound therapeutic advice?
MAN: It's what I do.
Mulder thanks him, and the doctor gives him a prescription. MULDER:
For me? Why me? DOCTOR:
Perhaps I read you wrong Mr. Mulder, but I wonder, who is in more need of an anti-psychotic? A man who believes himself to be a were-lizard, or a man who believes that man?
Scully calls from outside the cell phone store Smart phones...is Us, where she sees “Guy Man” through the window. SCULLY:
Mulder, it's me. I can't believe I'm about to say what I'm about to say, but I think I just found your horny toad lizard man.
She tells Mulder she thinks that he works there. He tells her that he will be right there. Scully continues that she just got an email with lab results which showed some discrepancies. She realizes he's already hung up.
Scully goes into the store to talk to Guy Man. She tells him that she's wondering if she can ask him some questions.
Mulder shows up at the store and goes in. The place is a mess; it's been trashed. Scully tells him that she came in and started to talk to him, and he yelled that he quit and went on rampage. Then he went out through the back through the stockroom.
Mulder questions what she is doing; she knows it's not safe to approach a dangerous suspect without backup.
She starts to tell him about the lab results, but he takes off before she can finish.
Man shows up at the graveyard.
Mulder pulls up and gets out of the car and picks up flowers from one of the graves and walks over to the gravestone of Kim Manners.
Man comes over to Mulder and offers him a green bottle of alcohol. Mulder asks if he lost someone recently. Man says that he knows it sounds weird, but until a few days ago, he didn't know they die - well he knew they could and instinctively to avoid death, but he didn't know that no matter what you do, you eventually end up in a place like where they are.
Mulder says if there is something weighing heavily on him it might help to get it off his chest; to confess if he needs to.
Man tells him that he confesses that if life is nonsense, he just wants the madness to end.
Mulder questions that he's not thinking of doing anything crazy. He responds that he is just going to kill him, and then smashes the glass bottle on the gravestone and goes after him. Mulder pulls his gun. GUY MAN:
No, not the gun, you fool!
Man knocks down Mulder, but then concerned, asks if he's okay. He then drops the bottle on purpose, exclaiming that he lost his weapon, and tries to get Mulder to stab him with it to defend himself.
Mulder tells him that he knows what he is trying to do - to get him to stab him with the green glass in his appendix, but he isn't going to kill him; he wants to help him. He tells Mulder that is the only way he can help him is by killing him and put him out of his misery.
Mulder finally agrees that he will kill him. Man tells him that he's the only nice person he's ever met. Mulder tells him that he will, but he first wants to hear the whole story of how it happened.
Man agrees but gives him another bottle of alcohol from his jacket, saying that he is going to need it, because the story is a "shocker." ACT FOUR
We see what happened from Man's perspective as he tells Mulder the story.
Guy Man was lying under a full moon (as a lizard) when he saw two people fighting. He saw the one man attack the other, so he growled at them to scare them off, but then the one man bit him in his neck, so he ran off, which is when the stoners saw him.
Mulder tells him to start at the beginning, but he tells him that that is how it started. He should have stayed still, but he panicked and tried to scare off the predator, but it only it made it more rabid. He didn't even get a chance to shoot blood from his eyeballs!
Mulder cuts in, questioning that he is saying that the man bit him.
Man shows him the bite mark on his neck, which Mulder says looks more like a hickey. He tells Mulder that it looks different when he's normal.
Mulder shows him the sketch and asks if that is what he looks like when he is normal. Man says it is, but with two eyes.
Man moves on to his first transformation, which didn't happen until the next morning, when he woke as a human. He tells Mulder that his transformation wasn't just physical, but mental as well. He became conscious of his own self-consciousness, and had his first thought, that he was naked. He became overcome by some irrational need to cover up.
For some unknown reason there were dead bodies lying around, so he took one of their clothes. He had never worn clothes before, but somehow on instinct knew how to put them on.
Then it was like he became possessed, he fought against it, but lost control and had to go on a hunt.
Mulder interrupts him, questioning that it was to hunt down a human victim, but Man tells him that it was to hunt for a job. He had a craze that wouldn't be satiated until he found steady work.
He tells Mulder that he walked into town and tragically found a job right away.
Man started working at a cell phone retail store. He helped people and explained about gigabertz and pixelbits - it was perfect, because he had no idea what he was saying, but neither did the customers. By the end of the day he was a manager.
Skeptic, Mulder mentions that he had no social security number or references.
Man tells him that he didn't need any of that stuff. GUY MAN:
You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals - the ability to BS my way through anything. I mean, it's better than camouflage!
Mulder questions that he isn't BSing him now, but Man tells him that he doesn't know as he doesn't understand half of what he is telling Mulder.
Mulder finds that disconcerting. Man tells him that what he finds even more disturbing is what he did the next day. He was so exhausted and out of his mind that he committed a murder. MULDER:
Who did you kill? GUY MAN:
In his flashback, Man orders a cheeseburger from the drive through and is told if he isn't in a car he has to come inside to order.
Mulder guesses that in his natural state he's a vegetarian. Man tells him that he is an insectivore, but no one likes insects, not even other insects.
He continues on that he checked into the motel and spent the rest of the day helplessly watching porn.
He tells Mulder that sometime during the night, the change occurred.
Man sees his arm changing back and goes over to the mirror, happy as he continues to change back. He takes off his clothes and runs around in his underwear, jumping on the bed. He was himself again, and everything was fine, until the next morning when he woke up and changed back to human again.
Man is annoyed he is human again and eats coffee grounds.
He continues on with the story that he went back to work, but once he was back at his job, he hated his job. He wanted to quit, but he was too overcome with human fears of bills and not being able to get a loan and start a mortgage - he's already terrified he won't have enough money for retirement. If he hadn't written that novel he was never going to write it. He just couldn't go on.
So he visited a witch doctor - a psychiatrist - but the medicine only clouded his thoughts. As a result, Man did something insane. MULDER:
You attacked and killed someone? GUY MAN:
No, I got a puppy!
Man named the puppy Daggoo. He realized that the only way to be happy as a human was spending time with nonhumans.
The next day he came home from work with toys for Daggoo, but the maid must have accidentally let him out. He searched all night long, but it became hopeless.
Man tells Mulder that life is hopeless except for a few fleeting moments of happiness crushed by loss and grief. Why bother.
Just when he had given up the search he saw him - not Dagoo, but the man who had bit him, the one who had turned him into a human. Just catching site of him made him more human and therefore filled with revenge.
Mulder questions that he wanted to strangle him and eat his flesh, which he admits, and Mulder gets excited, saying, "Now we're getting somewhere."
Just as Man was about to, he saw the man ready to bite someone else. He'd never seen such pointless brutality. He was so transfixed by the horror that he didn't notice the moon had come out and he changed back to himself again.
Having gotten a glimpse of human nature, he wanted no more part of it. He started taking off his clothes to return to the wild.
Man ran, in only his underwear, which is when he ran into the prostitute.
He tells Mulder that the prostitute hit him like a man, and Mulder explains to him that it's because she used to be a man; she's transgender.
Man says that you can't transform into a different sex, but Man tells him that that's nuts! Mulder tells him it's a common medical procedure, and you don't need surgery, technically.
Man says that maybe he could do that as a cure to stop transforming. Mulder tries to explain to him that that is something completely different. GUY MAN:
I don't care what it costs; I'll do it! MULDER:
They cut off your genitals. GUY MAN:
No. I'll leave it. That's a step too far, isn't it?
Man gets back to the story - the prostitute gave him a concussion, he thinks, because he was foggy. Next he was chased around a truck and a man took a picture of him in the Porta Potti.
Mulder admits that that was him. Man says he thought he recognized Mulder.
Mulder asks him how he changed back since it wasn't morning yet. Man tells him that he doesn't know; he's not a scientist. He questions why Mulder is looking for some kind of internal logic when there wasn't any external logic in it.
Man then went back to the motel and the jackalope head on the wall started screaming at him.
He tells Mulder he's been creeped out by jackalopes ever since his friend got gored. Mulder tells him that jackalopes are just a hoax. He tells Mulder that he would like to see him explain that to his dead friend George.
Man say that he then fled, and since he turned human again the next morning, he went back to work.
He continues on telling Mulder what happened, from his point of view.
Scully comes into the cell phone store and flirts with him. SCULLY:
I think maybe my phone isn't working right 'cause guys don't send me pictures of their junk on it. I think maybe I'd like to take a picture of yours.
She takes her jacket off and moves to the back room, opening her shirt. SCULLY:
Come on. I want to make you say "cheese."
Man and Scully ridiculously go at it against the wall, Scully yelling that he's an animal.
Mulder, appalled, tells him to stop - that did not happen. Man tells him he knows it's hard to believe, but apparently he's terrific in the sack.
Mulder says he made that up. Man admits it wasn't true. GUY MAN:
All right you got me. Ever since I became a human I can't help but lie about my sex life.
Man tells him that that is the only untruthful part and begs him to now kill him.
He questions that Mulder doesn't believe him. Mulder tells him that he thought he was going to believe him, but it's just too fantastic. Man defends himself saying that it's not; it's tragic.
Mulder tells him that he means it's just silly. Mulder is talking about both of their lives, not just Man's. MULDER:
We're the same, Guy. We both want to believe in things that aren't real or even possible.
Man starts quoting Hamlet
, saying that there are "more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of..." but tells him that in the First Folio version, Hamlet said "*our* philosophy."
Mulder questions then that he is saying that Hamlet was not just calling Horatio an ignorant idiot, but us all.
He replies that it's a comforting thought, because if there's nothing more to life than what we already know, then there's nothing but worries, self-doubt, regret, and loneliness. GUY MAN:
Foxman you've gotta put me out of misery! I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work.
Man grabs Mulder's lapels as he talks to him and finds his ID. He pulls it out and realizes he's FBI. GUY MAN:
You're the fuzz? MULDER:
I'm in town investigating the murders. GUY MAN:
And you think I'd do something like that? What kind of a monster do you think I am? You didn't want to help me. You just wanted to arrest me for something I didn't do. Who takes advantage of someone like that? A human, that's who. Human rat fink! I'm not delusional! I know what I am; I'm no monster! You're the monster!
He then leaves and tells other people in the cemetery to run for their lives because there's a monster (Mulder).
Mulder takes the bottle out of his jacket and takes a swig. ACT FOUR
Mulder is lying on the ground in front of Kim Manner's headstone, hung over. His cell phone starts ringing, playing The X-Files
theme song. SCULLY:
Where have you been? MULDER:
I fell off the wagon, Scully. I got a little taste of my monster-hunting ways, and then I downed the whole bottle. SCULLY:
I take it you found your were-lizard? MULDER:
Yeah, it turns out it wasn't a man who turns into a lizard; it was a lizard who turns into a man. SCULLY:
I don't see the difference.
Mulder tells her that that's the point, that there is none; both scenarios are equally foolish. He says he was foolish to believe it, or maybe he was just a fool, foolish like he has always been.
Meanwhile Mulder is deleting photos off of his phone. He asks Scully where she is.
She tells him that she's at the animal shelter waiting to see the animal control officer. Scully sees Dagoo at the kennel. MULDER:
So he didn't quit after all, huh? SCULLY:
No, I guess maybe he's like us; some jobs keep pulling you back.
The puppy nips at Scully as Pasha comes in.
Scully says that the cute little guy kind of reminds her of Queequeg.
Mulder sees the photo on his phone that was the in focus close-up of lizard skin with a bite mark.
Scully continues that there was a recent cognitive comparative study that showed that dogs hold hostilities against people who harm their masters. She guesses that maybe she misses having a dog to love and someone to hold my grudges for her.
Pasha attempts to put the dog catcher's loop around Scully's neck and they struggle.
Mulder knows something happened and jumps up and calls backup to the animal control center, and then heads there himself.
When Mulder arrives, Scully is already handcuffing Pasha. SCULLY:
Hey, you missed all the fun MULDER:
Are you okay? SCULLY:
Yeah, but I hate to disappoint you. It wasn't some monster running around killing people and eating their flesh; it was a normal human being.
Mulder asks if she knew it was him before coming there, which she did. The autopsy results on the victim who was bit showed that the actual cause of death was strangulation, and she had a hunch to analyze his pole, and there was tissue and blood from the previous victims.
Pasha starts saying that it started in his childhood when he had an uncontrollable urge to torture small animals. Scully just interrupts him, saying to leave it until the trial. SCULLY:
You're right Mulder. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen them all. PASHA:
But I have a whole speech prepared. MULDER:
Scully, that is the second time you've approached a dangerous suspect without backup. What's going on? SCULLY:
I thought maybe you'd want some more quality time with your lizard man. Besides (she taps him on his chest), you forget; I'm immortal.
Scully asks Mulder how he figured it out. Mulder tells her that going over the photos he realized one was of a bite mark, so if Guy's story was true, he realized that he must have been bitten by - Mulder realizes something suddenly and runs out.
Scully asks the dog if it wants to come home with her, looks around, and then takes it.
Mulder pulls up behind Man. Mulder tells him that they caught the killer. For a while he thought it might have been him. Man just says, "Thanks, I guess."
Mulder tells him that it means he knows now he was telling the truth.
Man says that he still sounds like still unsure. MULDER:
Well you have to admit, it's a little bit absurd. GUY MAN:
A little bit absurd? It's a lot absurd. I mean, look at this thing (indicating his tie). Whose genius idea was it to tie a piece of cloth around your neck? It's waiting to strangle you.
He takes off the tie and then asks Mulder if he wants a hat. Mulder declines as Man starts to take his clothes off.
Mulder asks what he is doing. He tells Mulder that it's time for his kind to go into hibernation. He hopes he won't turn into a human again during it. Maybe when he wakes up he will have slept off this whole transformation thing. MULDER:
I didn't know that reptiles hibernated. GUY MAN:
Whoa, I'm not a reptile - that's racist!
Mulder questions how long he hibernates for. He tells him that he never did get human construct of time and counts it out - ten thousand years. MULDER:
That's not possible. GUY MAN:
There you go again, not believing me. MAN
pulls off underwear off and turns around and starts to leave MULDER:
I want to believe.
Man turns back around and walks back over to Mulder. He tells Mulder that he doesn't mean to get too personal, but it has been a real trying time for him. He has been through a lot, and having someone like Mulder there - what he is trying to say is he is glad to have met him. He then shakes Mulder's hand.
Mulder looks back at him and suddenly he's a lizard again. Man runs off, skipping. Mulder smiles, and says, "Likewise."